The Mostly Pains and Occasional Pleasure of being Real

During the past year, I have paid attention to owning my feelings rather than simply skipping over them. This focus was brought on by some challenges in my sleep patterns and a subsequent reading of Bessel Van der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score." His work indicates that childhood developmental trauma is responsible for physical and mental health issues later in life.

The book, a painful read, has many points of interest, but I was especially taken by the notion that in our attempts to please our parents (or authority figures) we often suppress our own feelings. In doing so, we may lose clarity internally, develop emotional blind spots and create unhealthy "ecosystems." However, I have learned that it is extremely difficult to be real about my feelings.

I initially viewed that the challenge would be not being angry or reactive, but that was not at all the issue. Instead, when I have gotten clarity about a specific bad feeling and shared it calmly, the response has been astonishingly similar to my own developmental experience. Instead of being addressed, the feeling is put aside. The result has been a disappointing (at least in the short term) narrowing of my friends.

But today I had the opposite experience. In a business context, I shared that I had felt inappropriately treated and readied myself for the multi-month norm of 1) I had it all wrong, 2) there was nothing going on and 3) there was nothing to fix. I also readied myself for a continued narrowing of my social sphere. Instead, I discovered something I didn't know existed - a supportive love and affirmation that has shifted my internal orientation. My social sphere has deepened and I have experienced a transformative support that calls on my best self.

It's true: honesty pays.